The Meaning of Feelings: Introduction

Cited in Nourishing Poems for Starved Minds (1)

Feelings; messy, unpredictable, undignified, inconvenient!  And yet… without them life seems to become a complex intellectual puzzle.  

In western cultures we often confuse our ‘thinking’ with our ‘feeling’, muddling up our analysis of an event with our reactions to it, so how can we distinguish to two?  Perhaps this simple rule set out by Rosenberg (2) will help:  A feeling rarely needs other words in the same sentence.  For example if I feel sad I can simply say “I feel sad”, “I am sad” or “I’m sad".  I don’t have to say “I feel that you should…” or “I feel like it is…”, or “I feel like it is as if.”…  A feeling when owned doesn’t need the words he, she, or it, a feeling doesn’t need to name another, or explain, it doesn’t need to go out into the world and find blame or company.  ‘I feel sad' is enough.  It says everything.  It goes inwards.  If you need more words, the chances are, you are expressing a thinking…  And the chances are, you think  it is safer to express a thinking than to expose the feelings that lie underneath.  Often we want to ‘put them back in the box’ ‘get rid of them’ or otherwise regain a calm inner life.  Often however we mistake being ‘frozen’ for being ‘calm’.

So why do we feel?  Even the ‘good’ emotions can be difficult at times; love, joy, hope, they all bring challenges that we may feel daunted by and believe ourselves ill equipped to deal with.  And ‘hard’ emotions are just that; hard.  Who wants to feel jealousy, depression, fear, hate, despair, shame?  And yet we do.  Often.  And despite many opportunities to practice different responses we usually do what we always do; we endure, deny, pretend, avenge, or escape (3) - we usually have a favourite.  We believe that this will make us feel better.  If often leaves us feeling confused, numb, anxious or isolated - essentially, ‘worse’.  We then self medicate with substances, work, status, sex or relationships to name but a few.  And we feel… ‘worse’.

Thomas Moore (4) describes emotions as either an “invitation to initiation” or “a poison that heals”.  It is often the feeling of an emotion that prompts us to action, to change the course or our lives or to stand up on behalf of someone else.   A feeling is in-formation, they remind of us our boundaries, our need for respect, or our connection to others.  Each emotion has its own unique message.  Unless we practice we tend to hear the same message in each emotion; essentially “I’m not ok" “I’m not good enough” or "I’m bad”.  

What if we could learn to listen differently (5)? As Thomas Moore suggests, perhaps we would notice that our grief tells us that we were not alone, then.  Perhaps our anger reminds us to attend to our boundaries, or to uphold our values.  Perhaps anger gives us the energy we need to defend ourselves, our loves, or our causes.  Our fear alerts us to potential danger (metaphorical or literal) that may lie ahead for ourselves or those we love.  Perhaps envy comes to visit when we need to make space in our life for something of what the other has, to find our own way to come into relationship with a new love, in whatever form that comes … And depression, the feeling that often renders our life meaningless, is maybe inviting us to review our lives and to move forward more attuned to our purpose.  And love, what can love teach us?  Perhaps love allows us to drop our boundaries, inhibitions, common sense and goals and to try for a moment, faith and joy and those childlike qualities that we don’t usually make time for.

Perhaps we can learn to tolerate our feelings, and maybe converse with them as we might a real messenger who had travelled from the gods to give us news.  Maybe we can let them be?  And eventually, perhaps, we can welcome them like guests in our guesthouse.

References:

Astley and Roberston-Pearce (eds.) (2007) Soul Food.  Nourishing Poems for Starved Minds. Bloodaxe Books. (1)

Goldberg, C (1991). Understanding Shame.  Aronson.

Goleman, D (1996) Emotional Intelligence. Why it can matter more than IQ. Bloomsbury Publishing.

Greenspan, M (2003). Healing through the dark emotions.  The wisdom of grief, fear and despair.  Shambala. (3)

Moore, T (1992). Care of the Soul.  How to add depth and meaning to you everyday life.  Piatkus. (4, 5)

Rosenberg, M (2003). Nonviolent communication.  A language of life.  Puddledancer Press. (2)

Beginnings

Beginnings

This poem by Mary Oliver draws our attention to the trepidation and inevitability that some feel when answering the call of their soul. That call may be to start therapy, to change jobs or to break old promises that no longer serve us; promises that keep us small. This poem speaks of the responses of others that may try to keep the status quo, and of the wonder and companionship that comes from befriending ourselves, trusting our intuition and starting that journey, however difficult. In the end we cannot save other people from their choices, or the consequences of their actions. All we can do is to find our path and walk it. Sometimes we will be alone but often, when we start, we find others join us.

If you are being called to changes that are frightening or overwhelming or life has changed around you and you find yourself unexpectedly in unfamiliar terrain, perhaps you can take a step. That step may be in, or out - either way you will already be on your path; you will have begun.

All of our beginnings are personal. Some are played out in larger communities such as social groups and places of work. In these arena we may use different language, rather than fear or anxiety we may claim procrastination or overwhelm - the solution is the same; take a step, begin.

If you would like support to answer a call from your soul, to begin a work project, or simply change your life, it is possible I could help. If you feel inclined to do so, take a look at my counselling, psychotherapy or consultancy page and contact me if you think it would be helpful.